It’s been exactly a year (and a week…sorry…got busy with Thanksgiving and hit pause on this) since the last round of chemo was injected into me. So much has happened in the past year. It’s taken me a really long time to process everything and I’m not even done yet. And because of that, I haven’t been blogging as much as I used to. Every time I felt the urge to blog, it seemed too personal or too fresh and it just wouldn’t make sense without more perspective.
I’ve tried writing this post about 10 times, and still it doesn’t feel right to talk about.
The one thing I will say, though, is that people told me that my life would change after cancer. At the time, and for the longest time, I didn’t believe that.
Trust me, I tried to keep it all the same. And for the first couple months it worked. Because it’s easy to slide back into the things that comforted you when things are going smoothly.
But eventually some things started not going smoothly. And it was in those moments I found myself finally believing that I was, indeed, different.
And that’s all I can say at this point. That I’m different.
To expand on that is not easy. Seriously, I’ve re-written this post over and over trying to figure out the best way to lay it all out. And I just can’t. Part of it is I don’t want to reveal it all. Part of it is I don’t want your pity. Part of it is I don’t want your judgement.
Overall, the past year was not what I expected when I walked out of my last chemo. But it was the year I got. And it had many ups and downs.
I wish I had some bright, happy bow to wrap around this past year so that other people in similar situations could find some hope. But I don’t have that to offer. And I think that’s okay too. We all deal with this in our own way.
All that’s left to do is move onward and upward.