I’m in that space now.

rainbow-unicorn-clipart-dt8m8x6te

Today is a day that won’t go down in infamy, but it is a day for both reflection and looking ahead. And first and foremost, remember when I said this way back when I told you all I had cancer for the first time?

“I could end with some hippy dippy bologna about rainbows and unicorns and how I’m going to ride a unicorn down a rainbow after I get through this, but…I’m just not in that space yet and it doesn’t feel authentic to say so.”

Well, it happened. I’m riding that fricken unicorn down that fricken rainbow because I AM SPECIAL AND I’M LIKE THIS CLOSE TO BEATING THIS, YA’LL.

This Friday will be my 12th chemo treatment (cycle 6b). Am I pumped to feel icky? No. Of course not. Am I pumped that this will be the LAST time I feel icky? HECK YEAH!*

*So many caps in this post.

But besides being excited about that, today is also a day to reflect because it was a year ago today that I started noticing something just wasn’t right. Here’s what I posted on Instagram today…

img_3212

It was a year ago today that I thought to myself….something’s not right. We were days away from going on a trip to Florida for the Thanksgiving weekend and I developed a pain that resided behind my left shoulder blade. It was such a weird spot! That was the first thing I noticed. This lingering dull pain that seemed to not go away no matter how long I rested. It was a day later when I noticed something else weird – I had a glass of wine at our friend’s house when we got to Tampa. Ya know, cause traveling with a toddler can be kind of stressful. And that glass of wine, instead of relaxing me, sent a sharp shooting pain down my back. It made me feel awful. I didn’t know why that was happening and was hesitant to drink more after that.

Seven months later after trying everything and being misdiagnosed multiple times, I finally understood how all of this was connected – Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. And by the time they diagnosed me it was stage 4.

Today, I’ve gone through 11 treatments, four hospital stays, three small procedures where I had to be put under and one bone marrow biopsy.

This Friday will be my last treatment. My scans have been looking great and I’m hoping in about two months I’ll be able to get back to a life without pain and uncertainty. It’s time for a new chapter and a fresh take on life. It sucks that I had to go through this, but I found my answer, and my path since then has been a good one…even if it was hard at times. I’m thankful this thanksgiving for a renewed lease on life and I hope the same for anyone else battling such a long, hard journey. Stay strong and have faith!

I think it’s good to reflect, but I tend to focus more on the future than the present…for better or worse. For better when you have cancer and focusing on the future is the thing that gets you through the hard days. For worse when you should try to be present in a good moment but keep focusing instead on “what’s next.” I digress.

So anyway, I keep thinking about the future. Obviously I dream about the day I’ll get to have thick eyebrows…not the ones I do a terrible job at drawing on right now. And I long for even the most mundane of work days because it means I’ll be even the slightest more productive than I am now. And I think about all the good things to come – well, the puppy is here now so I’m not obsessing about that anymore – but I am REALLY looking forward to when we’ll go to Disney World as a family this spring. So yeah, the future looks bright.

But it’s also going to be so great to look at cancer in a rear view mirror kind of way.

I won’t have to talk about dealing with it…I’ll have dealt with it.

I won’t be looking for answers…I’ll just have the answers.

I won’t be posting selfies like the above where I compare old me to current me…I’ll be posting pics of me when I had cancer and comparing them to how amazing I look with each passing day (okay, that’s really narcissistic…but you guys know I’m not that humble, so whatever).

It’ll just be so great to be a surviver, not a patient. That’s the type of stuff I’m really looking forward to.

For today, that’s all. I’m sure I’ll have a big post after Friday’s treatment, including the conclusion of chemo karaoke…a whole new batch for you guys.

But before I go, let’s look at our new puppy again, shall we?

img_3203

Why isn’t the boy up yet? I’m up. Why isn’t the boy up? TELL ME.

 

img_3204

MY BOY!!!!

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I’m in that space now.

  1. Oh Jamie! You made me cry! We’ re so happy this is almost over. And, Max is absolutely adorable. Love our new grand puppy❤️

  2. You truly are amazing and I even have seen improvements in your karaoke singing. Possibly new hobby or career. God bless you Jamie!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s