It’s Thursday, which means I have my ninth round of chemo tomorrow. Already? Yes, already, darn it. Some good weeks creep by and I’m happy for the pace. This good week? It went by way too quickly. Which, in the grand scheme of things is technically good…weeks going by faster means I’m that much closer to be doing with all of this cancer business. But even still, when it’s good, I really don’t want to see the bad return. But alas, that is how I get healthy, so I’m stuck in this terrible catch 22 for about the next 8 weeks.
So here’s why this week went by too quickly.
Last week I did some hard core outlining on a rough draft of a novel I wrote two years ago. This week, I’m in full editing mode. And let me tell ya, it’s not easy. First off, I have to re-read what I wrote which is very cringe-worthy for the most part. Then I have to figure out what exactly I’m trying to say and then fix the problems. Some are easy fixes. Some are monumental, my-brain-can’t-think-this-hard issues. These are the ones I put to the wayside when I was writing my first draft because it wasn’t productive to think about at the time.
Stop thinking and just write! You’ll figure out logistics later.
Well, wouldn’t you know I’m now at that “later” point in time and I’m struggling just as much with logistics now as I was then. But now, I have to solve them. If I don’t figure out logistics now it’s going to be pretty obvious to anyone reading. So I’m sighing and huffing and puffing and staring at a screen and writing down theories and drawing crude visuals and looking up if it’s actually possible for California to fall into the sea (maybe).
But for those wondering, it’s not possible for California to fall into the ocean and it’s NOT a part of my story…but if it were possible I might have considered it. Stop judging!
But all in all, it’s going well. Progress is being made. Slow, snail-like progress. In my mind I was hoping for a chapter a day. HA! Let’s shoot for a chapter a week, maybe.
Beyond this, I can’t say. I’ve found that throwing my plans out there too early usually leave me backtracking a lot, so I’m staying in the present. I’m editing and that’s where I am for the foreseeable future.
I don’t know if #amreading is as popular of a hashtag as #amwriting but we’ll just go with it.
I just got done reading Clive Barker’s, “The Great and Secret Show.” It was solidly good. It’s largely about the fight between forces of good and evil but it’s kind of a horror-esque book with really dark scenes. Like if this was a movie, I probably wouldn’t watch it. I can read these things, but visually my mind can’t handle this stuff. There is a second book called “Everville” that I will get to eventually, but right now I’m more excited about entering the world of Harry Potter. Which brings me to a dark confession…
Hello. My name is Jamie LeRoy. I’m an avid writer and reader. And I’ve NEVER read Harry Potter…or seen the movies.
ARGH. YOU GUYS. I’m sorry if you thought I was better than this. I thought I was better than this. But I’m not. So I’m trying to make it right.
For our anniversary on Monday, I got the full series of Harry Potter and started on it just last night. I already know that I love everything about J.K. Rowling as an author, so of course I ALREADY love the writing even though I’m only two chapters into the first book. It’s just so…magical. Which is super fitting for a magic-based book, really. But lovely, all around. Really. So I’m super excited to continue reading. But now I have to balance this with my need to write and solve tough logistical problems. Oh yeah, that sounds AWESOME in comparison to exploring the world of Harry Potter… #eyeroll. But it’s not even just that. There’s more.
First off, you all know I’ve been trying to get out and walk more, and sort of running and maybe I have this crazy idea to run a 5k by the end of the year…maybe. Well, this week I ramped it up a lot. I’m now on week 3 of this couch to 5k program…but before you’re like “slow down there chica,” I’m actually repeating each week twice so I don’t go crazy on my bad weeks. So this week is week 3 (round 1) and next week is week 3 (round 2). See? I got this. Well, even still, week 3 is stepping up the running. Which is to be expected. But it’s pretty tough. Like, I’m super-out-of-shape tough. Like, I’m-trying-to-lose-baby-weight tough. But not at all like, my-lungs-and-heart-hate-me tough. No, they’re doing fine. I promise! And I know this because I wear a heart monitor the whole time, so chillax already.
Anyway, I stepped on the scale on Sunday and was kind of shocked at the number that came up. It was DEFINITELY not in the range of what I thought it should be. It was a good 10 lbs over my “comfortable zone”…the zone where you kind of eat what you want, workout maybe twice a week but like your jeans still fit with a little muffin top…yeah, it was 10 lbs over that.
Before I go any further, let me address the fact that I KNOW what you’re thinking. Trust me. You’re thinking any one of the following:
- Do you really need to be worried about that right now? I mean, really? Isn’t this something you can tackle AFTER you don’t have cancer?
- Isn’t your body going through a ton of changes from chemo? Isn’t that the most likely culprit? If so, why worry about it now? After you’re done with chemo, your body will likely recuperate, so why worry about it now?
- This sounds pretty vain. Can I stop feeling bad for you now? You obviously have moved on to pettier things to care about other than your life. See ya!
- I love you, but STOP. Just STOP. I really just want you to get better and if that means gaining some weight, then shut your face and deal with it!
Well, guess what, I’m going to keep going on about this, because this blog has my name on it and I’m the queen where it’s concerned. If you don’t like it, then don’t continue reading.
Well, like you…I thought all of the same things and berated myself for caring about this. And then I did something to test a theory. I counted my calories for an entire day. You know that that added up to? 3,000. THREE THOUSAND CALORIES. I told my husband this and he asks, “Is that not normal?” cause he’s sweet and does the sweet husband thing where he pretends he can’t see the extra pounds I’ve put on.
I replied with, “No. That is not normal. Maybe if I was in a bodybuilding competition that might be normal. But for me, no. That’s not normal. That’s far too much.”
So yeah. I’ve been eating. A lot.
Again. I get that this is one of those things I could really easily just turn a blind eye to because I’ve got cancer for god’s sakes and yes, I do deserve a pass in terms of what I should or should not eat. But my mind can’t get there. I don’t think I need to be a model of moderation, but my god, I need to stop indulging my sweet tooth at every turn. And maybe like, stop eating an entire pan of apple crisp. That’s all I’m saying! I just need to take that down a couple notches.
So now my fitness plan includes doing the couch to 5k thing, going on increasingly longer walks (and improving my mental state by listening to empowering audio books during that time), and at the very least trying to take in fewer calories than I burn each day. Really, it’s not too much to ask when you don’t have a full time job to worry about. I’m here. I’ve got the time. So why the heck not?
Also, I say all of this on a good week, knowing very well that I might throw most of this out the window during a bad week, but at least it’s a place to start!
Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Still judging me? Well, that’s your deal I guess. I can’t help you with that.
So that’s it. That’s how I made the week speed by. Lots of writing/editing, lots of reading, and lots of fitness-related things. Okay maybe there’s one more thing, but it’s really more about what’s still to come.
Yesterday, I had my third PET scan. This is the big one that detects the amount of cancer in my body. I had one in August with pretty amazing results (read more about it here), and I really want to hope and think and pray that this one will be even more amazing, “Yay! The cancer is all gone!” but I have these nagging, possibly hypochondriac feelings/issues bubbling up in me that make me super anxious that that is NOT the answer I’ll get tomorrow from my oncologist.
And if it’s not, the plan is still the plan – deal with shit I can deal with today and stop stressing about the future. But still. It’d be super awesome to have someone give me a definitive answer that when I’m done with my 12th round of chemo…that will be it! I’ll be done! So that’s what I’m REALLY REALLY hoping I can get out of tomorrow.
So, think good thoughts for me. Even though you may still think I’m stupid for obsessing over some extra pounds on the scale. Just put that out of your mind for a bit and help me focus on tomorrow’s successful report.
Whew. Thanks for hearing me out, everyone!