I need to tell you all something. It’s an important something.
(pause for dramatic effect)
…blue toenails. Well, periwinkle, technically.
UGH. What a weight off my chest! You have no idea how hard it was for me to tell you that. Oh my goodness. Such distress.
You may be asking yourself, “Did I seriously just see a picture of her feet? Gross! SCROLLING DOWN NOW!”
Well to you I say, my canoes are kind of a big deal…in my close circle of friends…so you should feel very thankful that I’m sharing this with you.
No, but really, what’s this all about?
It’s about my toenails. For reals.
Okay, maybe it’s about more than my toenails. It’s about this thing that I have to deal with for at least the next six months that rhymes with Shmodgkin’s Shmymphoma (maybe I should have chose a better rhyme sound). And I’ll be doing treatments every two weeks using this toxic stuff that rhymes with shmemo (see that one was fun).
And yeah, it’s not great. But…
…okay I don’t have a “but it’s okay because…” because it’s not okay. It’s not okay for anyone to have shmancer. So what I’ll say is it’s a thing I have to deal with and I’m fairly confident I’ll get through it because this isn’t the last you’ll see of my canoes. They were just debuted. I can’t take them out of the spotlight so soon. That would be a travesty.
Material for that book I keep saying I’ll write.
Maybe this is just what I need to get into the world of non-fiction. A book written by a current (or surviving) shmancer patient with a deeply disturbing perspective. Or maybe it’s just a chapter.
Or maybe it’ll be fiction – a shmancer patient who wields a shield made of face masks and purell and who’s super power is binge watching every show and finding realistic Disney princess wigs to wear. I’m just saying it hasn’t been done before.
It hasn’t, right?
Keep calm and…nope, nevermind.
Alright, as there was no good way to begin this, there is also no good way to end this. I could end with some hippy dippy bologna about rainbows and unicorns and how I’m going to ride a unicorn down a rainbow after I get through this, but…I’m just not in that space yet and it doesn’t feel authentic to say so. So really the mantra is more like, “I’m going to handle the shit I can handle today, and I’m going to try not to freak out about what will come tomorrow.”
Very eloquent, right? Well, it is my strong suit. #sarcasm